Why is there a sense of need in belittling the “opposing” side?

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I have observed this type of situation for a while, and I was also once guilty of doing this, until I asked myself, “why?”. Why must we belittle other situations to make our situation seem the better choice? Or even worse, why belittle other people to make ourselves feel superior?

For example, I am part of the itty bitty titty committee (not literally, there is no such committee, but I am on the smaller chested side), and some of my friends felt the same way about themselves. For such a long time whenever we would feel down about it, we would cheer each other up by jokingly mentioning all the negative things about having larger breasts. It’s not like we were attacking specific people, or trying to belittle the women attached to those breasts, we were just talking about the large breasts without taking into consideration they are attached to a woman that also has feeling and could not be happy with her breasts the same way we are not. I never put much thought into it, I just knew that during those times it did make me feel a bit better reminding myself why I shouldn’t want to have large breasts.

I’m not sure how I came to realize what a greater impact these comments could be having as a whole. I just started thinking about why I was falling into the routine of listing negatives and comparing my chest to others. Then I looked around me, and it was happening everywhere. Heavy women making negative comments about skinny women such as, “bones are for dogs.”, skinny women also making comments about heavier women, people justifying their decisions by belittling the decisions of others, etc. I became overwhelmed with negativity. The only positive was that they were making themselves feel better, but at what cost? To the cost that this has become a trend, and it’s normal for everyone, they don’t put thought into it and they don’t realize they’re getting trapped in a vicious circle of negativity. Even skinny women are not making those comments directly to heavier women, they become aware of those comments regardless. And that’s the same with anyone else, everyone one way or another finds out about how others view their body, appearance, decisions, or lifestyle negatively. And this habit has also somehow made some people believe it’s OK to make these comments directly to people, not keeping it within themselves anymore, they want to make it public.

Why not feel better about something without resorting to negativity or bashing of others? Because it’s easier to find the negatives of others, than to find the positives of yourself or the situation you are in. When looking for positives, it’s something you really have to sit down and think about. And it can be tricky, because sometimes it feels like you are mentioning positives when you say something negative about someone else, because that makes it a plus one for you, but it’s important to really look at how we word things. So for example, instead of saying something negative about being heavy chested to make small chests seem more acceptable, we need to just need to already make small breasts acceptable and something positive without belittling big breasts! There does not need to be a comparison, we do not need to come up with negatives of each side, we just need to LOVE what we have just because it’s a part of us, not because it’s “worse” to have one thing over the other. I think this way of thinking will really have a strong impact on how everyone views themselves and the situations they are in. Right now it feels like everyone is in a competition with how many negative things they can come up about the “opposite team”, someone with opposite characteristics as themselves. But if that stopped, if trying to find negatives about people stopped, then that would create a chain reaction to having no need to do that anymore. If there wasn’t so many negative things said about having small breasts, I probably wouldn’t have felt the need to come up with negatives about heavy chests to try to make it “even” or make it “better”.

Now I don’t do that anymore. I am in a journey to love myself just because I want to be happy, not comparing myself to others, not being a part of that negative circle of comments anymore. If you’re at the store and you’re trying to pick between two products, list as many positives as you can about a product, instead of listing the negatives, because it’s small things like that that can reflect how we see other situations. I know first hand for a long time I was a “negative Nancy” without realizing it, because I acted like a happy friendly person to others, but it was always easier for me to list negatives about something when it came to making decisions. Now I am a strong believer in positivity, and I am much happier now. My attitude towards others has still been the same, respectful and friendly, but I did not realize how much my view in life in general would change after changing these negative thinking habits.

I really encourage everyone reading this to try to catch yourself thinking something negative, whether it’s when you need to make a decision in a certain situation, choose between two objects, or feel better about yourself when comparing yourself to others. Then, if you’re up for the challenge, stop yourself from doing that each time.

The more positive thoughts you have and surround yourself with, the happier you will be.

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Don’t toss around negative comments at people, you don’t know how they can affect that person

Every person has their story, their worries, and their struggles. Too many people make “accidental” negative comments. By accidental I mean that possibly, their intention was not what the real effect of that comment caused. Whether they were joking, or they meant it but didn’t think the other person would take to heart, the truth is that one negative comment does not affect everyone in the same way. Why is that so? Because we are all different, because we have been through different circumstances in our lives. For instance, you could make a comment to someone about how slow they are, or how they can’t keep up the pace, and you will probably expect the other person to laugh and take it as a joke. But for someone like me, although I have never been in that circumstance where someone made that comment towards me, I would probably feel a little bad about myself because I can’t help being slow, and I will never be able to keep up with them or anyone else that is physically healthy. You could say I’m just looking at that comment negatively and it is something so minimal it should not affect me the way I described. But I don’t see it like that, I see it that if anyone in the same situation felt like that it would be realistic, because not ever being able to keep up with them is not an exaggerated thought, it is realistic and something you already knew, but it’s just another reminder. A comment like that would not have a greater effect on me than that, and I would probably forget about it after some minutes, but it is still a reminder that isn’t so pleasant. 

Nobody has the right to undervalue someone else’s emotions or reactions to something. No one should think that the other person is over reacting by crying or feeling sad because of a comment that was made to them. Everyone has the right to feel, and just because that comment does not affect you, does not mean it can’t affect someone else. And also, no one should feel like they have to repress their emotions just because other people don’t react the same as you did because of a comment made. If something offends you, makes you feel sad, or ashamed, you have every right to express that and let the other person know that was not OK. Don’t feel like you have to pretend it did not affect you just because others don’t think it was hurtful. 

When I was in elementary, a boy from my grade made a comment about my appearance. He said “you look so skinny, you look like you’re going to die.” As a 9-10 year old girl, I had no idea how I was supposed to react to that comment, all I knew is that it made me feel sad and angry at the same time. Angry that he had no idea what i’ve been through to just make a comment like that, and sad because of the type of muscular dystrophy I have, gaining weight has always been a challenge. It’s not like I wanted to be skinny, I actually hated that about myself and I would always wear sweat pants, overalls, or just anything loose that covered my whole body. From elementary through High School, I never dared wear a short sleeve shirt or anything other than pants. That boy probably didn’t think the comment affected me the way it did, and I don’t think his intention was really to make fun of me or try to hurt me. Kids can be hurtful, plain and simple, and I think a lot of that has to do with adults not paying enough attention to teaching kids what effects negative comments can cause on others. Why? Because some adults don’t even know that either. Throughout my later years, most of the people that have made comments about my weight are by adults. They always say it with a smile though, but does that make it less hurtful? When that happens I just smile or do an awkward laugh, because the way they said it lets me know that they did not mean for it to be a negative comment, they just don’t know me enough to know how that comment can make me feel. They assume I might be a girl that is dieting to try to look like those thin models, so they think they’re making me feel better about having more weight, because they emphasize that fuller women are more beautiful. I don’t take too much offense from their comments either, and I try not to judge anyone that says those things because I’m sure if they knew me, they wouldn’t say that. 

People need to realize that if they don’t know someone, it’s better to not make any comment that can be negative. I don’t write this specifically for me, but for all the people out there. I see too many around me receiving comments that just baffles me how the person saying it can say it without a care in the world about its effects. Throughout my life comments have affected me emotionally, and I can just imagine how other people that receive negative comments can feel too, and I don’t think anyone should feel like that. There’s really no need for them anyways. If you see someone you don’t know personally, what does saying something negative to them do for you? Nothing. It contributes nothing to them, to you, to anyone. 

 

Let’s be positive, and pass it around. Every time you say something nice to someone, you should feel like you did a great thing, and keep in mind that you could have just made that persons day. 

Why is it so difficult to make friends of the same gender?

Friendship is as beautiful as nature

I’ve always had more trouble making friends of the same gender (females) than it is with the opposite gender. I look around me, and I notice that most of my friends do indeed have more friends of one gender than the other. Do you experience the same situation? Could it be a sense of competition within the same gender, which makes it difficult to understand if the other person is just seeking a friendship, or has ulterior motives? For some of the females in my area, I know that second assumption could possibly  be true for them. Living in a small town, there is usually rumors, drama, and rivalry between some females (talking college level adults here), and I do notice some of them a little hostile against meeting new females in public places because they just don’t know if that  person could be associated with their “enemy”. Sounds silly, right? and I just don’t understand that kind of thinking.

Sure, sometimes I can get a conversation started, and keep it going if I keep seeing that same female (for instance, in a classroom setting). But it just doesn’t go beyond that to an actual friendship. With most males, it’s usually fairly easy. They can keep a conversation going for quite a while (Could it be that they are more confident because they are not worried about if their makeup has smudged and the other girl is criticizing them about it in her head?), and it just feels like they are doing their part to start a friendship and it’s not just a one-way attempt to be friends with someone. And no, these instances have not lead to the male having a hidden agenda of trying to score a date, those times have really lead to just a friendship, even if it ends up dyeing out after some months or years (ie. loss of interests, distance, etc.).

So, having been through this quite a lot, as expected, I lack female friends. Sure, I have acquaintances that are females, and those Facebook female friends that will write happy birthday on your wall once a year, but aside from that I literally just have one female friend whom I truly consider a friend (who wouldn’t after 13 years of friendship?). Nothing wrong with just having one girl to hangout with, but when both of your schedules get arranged in an opposite manner and you are no longer able to see each other more than once every two months, having other female friends does come in handy. From just being able to talk to another female, to going shopping or going to get our nails done, it’s just not something I can do with guy friends. So what has this lead to? I think i’ve become less social, and I’ve turned to video games and doing hobbies that only require one person, me! I know this is maybe not the right choice, I should be putting myself out there and be social, because I think we all need human interaction to practice our social skills. I’m just not very good at that anymore, and I don’t really know where to start.

In high school it was so much easier because you see the same people everyday, everyone eats together, and everyone tries to find someone to sit with at the cafeteria. I would sit with about six other girls, and we all became good friends with each other at the time, but we didn’t quite know how it even started.

As for joining clubs where I can share the same interest with others, well I have yet to find one. Most of the clubs I know of in my area are of sports or some kind of physical activity like dancing. Having muscular dystrophy prevents me from being able to do that kind of physical activity, so I stay away from those. There used to be an anime club in my college, and although I occasionally enjoy anime, it was never a huge hobby or interest of mine. I used to take a student body government class during my first semester of college, and I did get to meet a lot of people, and maybe if I would have stuck around the next semester in it I could have made friends (the first semester it was more of making acquaintances), but as the semesters passed it was just more and more difficult being able to take that class because it didn’t fit in with my schedule. I am also only able to take two or three classes a day depending on their length because sitting down for long periods of time causes my sciatica pain to act up. So there goes my chances of taking a photography class. I have always wanted to take the photography class offered at my community college, but the downside is that it lasts about four or five hours, and I don’t know how my body would react to that much time.

I guess only time will tell, and eventually I’ll figure out how to make new female friends.